dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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