i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
