Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
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She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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