Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
