anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
