Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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