Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
