i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
