You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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