I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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