She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I will be naked everywhere
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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