1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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