I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
this boner is exhausting
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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