It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
