the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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