You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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