The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
