I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
50% drunk capacity currently
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
