just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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