dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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