your parents love me but you hate me
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
