Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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