So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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