She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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