i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
