Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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