I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
