I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think people are normalizing furries
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
