There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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