you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
