Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
