I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
