Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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