it hurts more in the daytime
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
