she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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