I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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