I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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