Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
