They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
