I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
