I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
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