My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
