I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
my liver is dry heaving
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