i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
