At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
