i wish my penis had a tongue
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
