Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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