I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
