Only a mothe r could love this liver
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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