I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
