Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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