she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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