Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
