Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
