Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
