Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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