I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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