i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
