why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
