READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
