my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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