I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
