if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
