I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
